A few open letters:
1. Bums of Westwood: STOP PEEING ON WESTWOOD. No, wait. Let me be absolutely clear: STOP peeing on the grossy knoll on that corner across from the Coffee Bean on Weyburn (where I am obliged to walk, often shod in only a pair of flip flops,) and, most especially, STOP peeing on Westwood IN FRONT OF ME. I have seen you three times now, bums. Cut it out.
2. Girls at the gym: STOP answering your cell phones WHILE YOU ARE USING FITNESS EQUIPMENT. In particular, could you please cease doing this as part of a tripartite endeavour that also involves watching the gym TV's and listening to your iPod through the ear bud that remains in the ear opposite the one you are using to listen to your friend talk about what happened at Friday night's frat party. This violation of common courtesy is (one should note) especially heinous when you use your time on the phone with that friend (when the frat party discussion has subsided, of course) to DESCRIBE to him/her WHAT IT IS THAT YOU'RE WATCHING ON TV!! Listen, it's not only that I'm uncomfortable with the inevitability of eavesdropping on your conversation- which I am- it's also that I'm worried about you. Worried because you might do a harm to yourself on that fearsome equipment while you're not paying attention. And worried that you'll be forever caught in a feedback loop/vortex of media compelled and technologically supported reflexivity from which you have no chance of escaping. You report on the media via another huge infrastructure/system of information transferance, your friend may, in turn, report on something that he/she is watching- the point is that it could go on forever. You could be there for hours, one earbud swinging erratically against your elbow as you, with one hand fixed to your ear, try to maintain running/biking/ellipticalling posture while sort of rocking out and watching the Tyra Banks show. I'm telling you, STOP.
3. Cute purple shoes: stop being nearly $30! How do you expect me to be able to buy you, and give you a nice home, if you will not give over this $30 business? It would be much better to stop being so stubborn, and be only...maybe...$15. Or better yet, free. If you would just show up in my mailbox one day, I promise to not be angry with you anymore.
4. People from high school that haven't seen me in a long, long time: Stop bumping into me when I look crappy at the gym, supermarket, or while dropping off/ picking up siblings. STOP. If you will not refrain from meeting me while I am sweaty/gross-looking/have just woken up/am wearing sweat pants, you will have no chance of knowing the REAL me. Because the REAL me involves a modest amount of make-up, a shower, and *usually* cute shoes (see above.) So...yeah. Just warning you.
Alright...homework time!
1. Bums of Westwood: STOP PEEING ON WESTWOOD. No, wait. Let me be absolutely clear: STOP peeing on the grossy knoll on that corner across from the Coffee Bean on Weyburn (where I am obliged to walk, often shod in only a pair of flip flops,) and, most especially, STOP peeing on Westwood IN FRONT OF ME. I have seen you three times now, bums. Cut it out.
2. Girls at the gym: STOP answering your cell phones WHILE YOU ARE USING FITNESS EQUIPMENT. In particular, could you please cease doing this as part of a tripartite endeavour that also involves watching the gym TV's and listening to your iPod through the ear bud that remains in the ear opposite the one you are using to listen to your friend talk about what happened at Friday night's frat party. This violation of common courtesy is (one should note) especially heinous when you use your time on the phone with that friend (when the frat party discussion has subsided, of course) to DESCRIBE to him/her WHAT IT IS THAT YOU'RE WATCHING ON TV!! Listen, it's not only that I'm uncomfortable with the inevitability of eavesdropping on your conversation- which I am- it's also that I'm worried about you. Worried because you might do a harm to yourself on that fearsome equipment while you're not paying attention. And worried that you'll be forever caught in a feedback loop/vortex of media compelled and technologically supported reflexivity from which you have no chance of escaping. You report on the media via another huge infrastructure/system of information transferance, your friend may, in turn, report on something that he/she is watching- the point is that it could go on forever. You could be there for hours, one earbud swinging erratically against your elbow as you, with one hand fixed to your ear, try to maintain running/biking/ellipticalling posture while sort of rocking out and watching the Tyra Banks show. I'm telling you, STOP.
3. Cute purple shoes: stop being nearly $30! How do you expect me to be able to buy you, and give you a nice home, if you will not give over this $30 business? It would be much better to stop being so stubborn, and be only...maybe...$15. Or better yet, free. If you would just show up in my mailbox one day, I promise to not be angry with you anymore.
4. People from high school that haven't seen me in a long, long time: Stop bumping into me when I look crappy at the gym, supermarket, or while dropping off/ picking up siblings. STOP. If you will not refrain from meeting me while I am sweaty/gross-looking/have just woken up/am wearing sweat pants, you will have no chance of knowing the REAL me. Because the REAL me involves a modest amount of make-up, a shower, and *usually* cute shoes (see above.) So...yeah. Just warning you.
Alright...homework time!
4 Comments:
Concerning item 4:
Given that you are likely to be in one of only several places at any time, it is most probable that someone you know from high school should run into you near the gym. To increase the likelihood of this set of people to see you in a more "presentable" state, you would do well to increase the number of places where you may be seen.
Running into someone from the Antelope Valley at Whole Foods is just about as unlikely as a coincidental meeting at your apartment. There is a negligibly small chance that you'll see one of them in one of your graduate seminars, and studying at any cafe that is not Starbucks isn't helping your chances of running into any of them there either. Thus, the most probable points of contact are on the way back home from the gym.
Which brings me to my original thesis: you need to go out more.
hey, buddy...not *all* of us can get our shit done in the midst of a tropical paradise.
:::laser eyes:::
amen. stupid girls. today my prof went off about people who wear their blue tooth ear phones when they're not talking on them: "It's not a fashion statement!"
and you know as soon as you look decent you won't run into anyone. it's a murphy's law. but perhaps venturing out may help a little. like...up to SLO, by Amtrak train :) heck, i'll be here for the summer... maybe i'll just hafta hitchike down there.
Ha. Yeah, the bluetooth headsets look pretty dumb if it doesn't look like you're talking to yourself.
The other day I was at a Dave & Buster's for a pirate-themed birthday party and I saw a guy walking around with one of those things on his head. I almost went up to him and said, "Dude, you look really ridiculous with that thing in your ear." Then I remembered that I looked like this, which would have made it all the more better. (On a side note, I don't think "all the more better" as a figure of speech makes that much sense...)
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