Because apparently we both thought this was funny:

Me: nonono...you see, we don't want to make claims about "the author" here.
Me: just about what the poem argues. THE POEM.
Ian: I AM THE AUTHOR!!!
Ian: damn you, new critics!!!
Me: well, I'm sorry. that lies outside of the scope of this paper.
Ian: you're outside the scope of this paper
...
Me: you WOULD say I'm outside the scope of this paper.
Ian: you would use a "you would" comeback
Me: your MOM would use "you would" as a comeback.
Ian: that's not what your mom said last night
Ian: awwwwwwwww damn!
Me: oh snap!


And that, my friends, is what happens when you spend too much time grading...